SpongePedia - User contributions [en]

Episode Transcript: Band Geeks

2010-03-11T14:33:29Z

24.244.248.8: /* Dialogue */

[[de:Episodenmitschrift: Hör mal, wer da spielt]]
{| border="1"
|-bgcolor="#CCCCCC"
!Back Episode Transcript
!Next Episode Transcript
|-
|align="center" rowspan="3"|[[Episode Transcript: The Secret Box|The Secret Box]]
|[[Episode Transcript: Graveyard Shift|Graveyard Shift]]
|}

Episode Article: [[Band Geeks]]

==Characters==

*[[Squidward]]
*[[Squilliam Fancyson]]
*[[Patrick]]
*[[SpongeBob]]
*[[Sandy]]
*[[Mr. Krabs]]
*[[Plankton]]
*[[Mrs. Puff]]
*[[Larry the Lobster]]
*[[Pearl]]
*[[Harold]]
*[[Nancy]]
*[[Frank (Cameo Character)]]

==Dialogue==

(Squidward plays his clarinet until doorbell rings)

'''Doctor Gill Gilliam:''' Yeah, uhh, we're with the pet hospital down the street, and I understand that you have a dying animal on the
premises. (Squidward slams door. shellphone rings, Squidward picks it up) 

'''Squidward:''' Hello. You've reached the house of unrecognized talent. Please start after the (plays a foul clarinet note) 

'''Squilliam(in left side of a split screen):''' Sounds like you've got a dying animal to attend to, eh ol' chum? 

'''Squidward(on right side of split screen):''' (gasps) Squilliam Fancyson from band class?! 

'''Squilliam:''' (snooty) I hear you're playing the cash register now. 

'''Squidward:''' Sometimes. Uh, how's the unibrow? 

'''Squilliam:''' It's big and valuable. I'm the leader of a big fancy band now, and we're supposed to play the BUBBLE BOWL next
week. 

'''Squidward:''' (stammering) The ba-ba-ba…The ba-ba-ba…The ba-ba-ba... 

'''Squilliam:''' That's right. I'm living YOUR dreams Squidward. The problem is, I'm busy next week and can't make it. So, I
was hoping you and your band could cover for us. 

'''Squidward:''' (still stammering) Ohh, uhh, I…I, uhh… 

'''Squilliam:''' I knew it! You don't even have a band! Well, I'll just let you get back to the service industry now. 

'''Squidward:''' '''''HOLD IT!''''' It just '''''so''''' happens that I '''''don't''''' sell fast food, I '''''do''''' have a
band, and we're going to play that '''''Bubble Bowl!''''' How do you like '''''that,''''' Fancy'''''boy?!''''' 

'''Squilliam:''' Good luck, next Tuesday. I hope the audience brings lots of…Ibuprofen. (hangs up phone) 

'''Squidward:''' I've got to drum up a marching band fast! Drum…haha…band humor. 

'''Sandy:''' Looking to add fulfillment to your dull, dull life?

'''Plankton:''' Then become part of the greatest musical sensation to ever hit Bikini Bottom. 

'''Mrs. Puff:''' And be forever adored by thousands of people you don't know. 

'''Mr. Krabs:''' Not to mention free refreshments. 

'''Larry:''' Practice begins tonight. 8:30 sharp. (Squidward looks at his watch while driving a canoe car with instruments) 

'''Squidward:''' Stupid music rental clerk made me late. That trilobite didn't know an oboe from an elbow. Elbow, heh, more
band humor. 

'''All:''' Blah, blah, blah, bla! 

'''Squidward:''' People, people, settle down! Ok, now. How many of you have played musical instruments before? 

'''Plankton:''' Do instruments of torture count? 

'''Squidward:''' No. 

'''Patrick:''' Is mayonnaise an instrument? 

'''Squidward:''' No, Patrick, mayonnaise is not an instrument. (Patrick raises his hand again) Horse radish is not an
instrument, either. (Patrick lowers his hand) That's fine. No one has ''any'' experience. Fortunately, I have enough
talent for ''all'' of you. (laughs) 

'''Mr. Krabs:''' When do we get the free food? 

'''Squidward:''' Ok, try to repeat after me. (Squidward plays 6 notes) Brass section, go. (brass section repeats) Good. Now the
wind. (wind section repeats) And the drums. (drum players, including Spongebob, misunderstand what Squidward means, so they blow on their drum sticks, which blow out and stick Squidward to the wall) Too bad that didn't kill me. (Next scene)
Let's just try stepping in rhythm. Now I want everyone to stand in straight rows of five. 

'''SpongeBob:''' Is this the part where we start kicking? 

'''Squidward:''' No, SpongeBob, that's a chorus line. 

'''Patrick:''' Kicking?! I want to do some kicking! (Patrick kicks Sandy in the butt) 

'''Sandy:''' Ow! Why, you…! (dust cloud of beatings appears with Sandy jumping at Patrick, which then goes out an open door, which then closes) 
'''Patrick:''' (screaming outside) Ahh!!!! hahaahahah!!!!!! 
'''Patrick:''' Whoever's the owner of a white sedan, you left your lights on. (Patrick walks in with his head and torso seperated by a trombone, his head in the horn, then plays a tune with a series of A and B-flats. When he sits down, he plays a loud blare as the trombone stick goes down and opens his mouth, then when the note is over, he looks down with his head straight) 

'''Narrator:''' Day two. (band walking down a street playing) 

'''Squidward:''' Okay, that's perfect everybody. Bubble Bowl here we come. Flag twirlers, really spin those things. Okay, turn.
Flag twirlers, let's go. I wanna see some spinning. Flag twirlers let's move!!! C'mon, move!!! (flag twirlers spin fast and fly in thr air and
explode when running into a blimp. Trumpet player plays "Taps", then Squidward lies down on street, curled up in a ball) 

'''Narrator:''' Day three. 

'''Squidward:''' How's that harmonica solo coming, Plankton?

'''Plankton:''' It's tremendous! Ya wanna see? {runs to his harmonica and plays the first note. Runs along and plays another note. Runs down and plays three notes at the same time. He gets tired and walks slowly to another note. Has trouble playing it. Falls down and spreads saliva}

'''Narrator:''' Day four.

'''Squidward:''' Well, this is our last night together before the show. And I know that none of you improved since we began…
(Patrick chews on a trumpet) …''but'' I have a theory. People talk loud when they wanna act smart, right? 

'''Plankton:''' (loudly) '''''CORRECT!!''''' 

'''Squidward:''' So, if we play loud, people might think we're good. Everybody ready? { Everybody gets their instuments ready}And a one, and a two, and a one, two,
three, four! (windows break and Squidward's face is deformed when they make a piercing noise with their instruments) Ok, new theory. Maybe we should play so quietly, no one can hear us. 

'''Harold:''' Well, maybe we wouldn't sound so ''bad'' if '''''some''''' people didn't try to play with big, meaty claws! 

'''Mr. Krabs:''' What did you say, '''''punk?!''''' 

'''Harold:''' '''''BIG''''', '''''MEATY''''' '''''CLAWS!''''' 

'''Mr. Krabs:''' Well, these claws ain't just for attracting mates. 

'''Harold:''' Bring it on, old man! Bring it on! 

'''SpongeBob:''' No, people. Let's be smart and bring it ''off''. 

'''Nancy:''' '''''Oh,''''' so now the talking ''cheese'' is going to preach to us. (everyone argues) 

'''Squidward:''' Wait, wait. I know tensions are high. (everyone gets into a fight) There's a deposit on the equipment, people!
(everyone uses their instruments as weapons) Settle down, please. (clock sounds at 10 and everyone stops fighting) 

'''Fred:''' Hey, class is over! (they all walk to the door where Squidward slams them open) 

'''Squidward:''' Well, you did it. You took my one chance at happiness and crushed it. Crushed it into little tiny, bite-size
pieces. I really had expected better of you people. I guess I'm a loser for that, too. Don't bother showing up tomorrow.
I'll just tell them you all died in a marching accident. So, thanks, thanks for nothing. 

'''Patrick:''' You're welcome. 

'''SpongeBob:''' What kind of monsters are we? That poor creature came to us in his hour of need, and we failed him.
Squidward's always been there for us when it was convenient for him. Evelyn, when your little Jimmy was trapped in a fire, who rescued him?

'''Evelyn:''' A firemen. 

'''SpongeBob:''' And Larry, when your heart gave out from all those tanning pills, who revived you? 

'''Larry:''' Some guy in an ambulance. 

'''SpongeBob:''' Right. So, if we can all just pretend that Squidward was a fireman, or a guy in an ambulance, then I'm sure
that we can all pull together and discover what it truly means: to be in a marching band. 

'''Harold:''' Yeah, for the fireman! 

'''All:''' Hooray! 

'''SpongeBob:''' Now let's make Squidward proud. A-one, a-two, a-skiddleydiddleydoo. 

(At Bubble Bowl) 

'''Squidward:''' I ''knew'' this was going to happen. They're just going to have to find another band to play. I just hope
that… (sees Squilliam) …'''''SQUILLIAM DOESN'T FIND OUT! SQUILLIAM!! AH!''''' What are you doing here? 

Squilliam:''' (laughs) I just wanted to watch you blow it. So, where's your band? 
'''
'''Squidward:''' Um, they couldn't come. They…died. 

'''Squilliam:''' Then who's that? 

'''Squidward:''' '''''AH! THAT WOULD BE MY BAND!''''' 

'''SpongeBob:''' We're ready to perform, Squidward. 

'''Squilliam:''' Well, Squiddy, this is exactly how I pictured your band with look. (SpongeBob dances) 

'''Squidward:''' That's his…''eager face''. (Squilliam laughs. They all go into the Bubble Bowl) 

'''Squidward:''' Well, I guess this will be the last time I can show my face in this town. 

'''SpongeBob:''' That's the spirit, Squidward. (bowl raises above a football field) 

'''Football Announcer:''' Ok, football fans. Put your hands together for the Bikini Bottom SuperBand!!!!! (crowd cheers) 

'''Patrick:''' These are some ugly looking fish. 

'''SpongeBob:''' Maybe we're in those toxic waste dumps. 

'''Mr. Krabs:''' I think I'm gonna be sick. 

'''Squidward:''' (Nervously) Ok, everybody. Let's get this over with. One, two, three, four...

(Several band members play trumpets for a short time)
('''Music:''' "Sweet Victory")
(SpongeBob begins singing)

The winner takes all, it's the thrill of one more kill. The last one to fall will never sacrifice their will. Don't ever look back on the wind closing in. The only attack were their wings on the wind. Oh, the daydream begins. And it's sweet, sweet, sweet victory, yeah. And it's ours for the taking, it's ours for the fight, in the sweet, sweet, sweet victory, yeah.
And the world is ours to follow. Sweet, sweet, sweet victory.

( Squidward looks at Squilliam in an evil way causing to be scared. He passes out of a heart attack and Squidward waves good bye to him.Squidward jumps into the air, delighted that he impressed Squilliam)

{{Transcripts/Season 2}}

[[Category:Transcript]]
[[Category:Episode Transcripts/Season 2]]

{{Slogan}}

Episode Transcript: The Camping Episode

2010-03-11T13:57:24Z

24.244.248.8: /* Conch Street */

[[de:Episodenmitschrift: Helden beim Zelten]]
{| border="1"
|-bgcolor="#CCCCCC"
!Back Episode Transcript
!Next Episode Transcript
|-
|align="center" rowspan="3"|[[Episode Transcript: Krabby Land|Krabby Land]]
|[[Episode Transcript: Missing Identity|Missing Identity]]
|}

Episode Article: [[The Camping Episode (Episode)|The Camping Episode]]

==Characters==

*[[SpongeBob]]
*[[Patrick]]
*[[Squidward]]

==Dialogue==

==Squidward's House==
Squidward: Ah, finally, the weekend is here. And this isn't just ''any'' old weekend. This is the weekend that SpongeBob and Patrick go camping. (gestures at "Dance Quarterly" calendar at a picture of SpongeBob and Patrick on the calendar) Wouldn't it be great if they got lost in the woods and never came back? 

SpongeBob: (in Squidward's thought bubble) Patrick, I'm scared! 

Squidward: Ho-ho, that would be great! (gets in bed) You've waited a long time for this. A soft bed, warm tea, a good book, and two whole days with no… (imitates SpongeBob's laugh. When he stops, he can hear SpongeBob's laughter) What the…?!

==Conch Street==
Squidward: (goes outside and sees SpongeBob and Patrick in a tent in his backyard) SpongeBob, aren't you two supposed to be camping? 

SpongeBob: We are camping. 

Squidward: SpongeBob, it's not camping if you're ten feet from your house. 

SpongeBob: Aww, it doesn't matter where you are as long as you're outdoors. While all those soft city folk are safe in their beds reading books, we're out here, pitting ourselves against the formidable forces of nature. You wanna join us? 

Squidward: No. 

SpongeBob: Ok. Have fun inside. (Squidward leaves then comes back) 

Squidward: What do you mean, "have fun inside"? 

SpongeBob: Just…have fun inside. See you tomorrow. 

Squidward: Oh. Bye. (leaves then comes back again) You little sneak! I see what you're doing! 

SpongeBob: What? 

Squidward: Don't think I can't see what you're doing! 

SpongeBob: What? 

Squidward: You're saying I can't take it! 

SpongeBob: But all I… 

Squidward: AH! You're saying I'm soft! You think your little "have fun inside" challenge is gonna make me come camping with you, but that is NEVER GONNA HAPPEN! There's no way I'm gonna sit out here all night with you two losers! So, get used to it! (leaves) 

SpongeBob: Ok. ''Have fun inside''. (Squidward comes back and yells at them) 

Squidward: '''That's it!''' I'm in. I'll show you camping! (runs inside his house) 

SpongeBob: (to Patrick) Squidward's gonna come camping with us! (both giggle while Squidward comes back with a big backpack on) 

Squidward: Now you'll see how a real… (falls forward into the sand from the heavy backpack) ...outdoorsman does it! (crawls out from under the backpack and gets out a cylinder looking bag) Here we are-- my remote-controlled, self-assembling tent. Watch and learn. (SpongeBob takes out binoculars while Patrick gets out a notepad and a pair glasses. Squidward throws the bag in the air then gets out the remote and pushes the button. The bag explodes and the tent, sticks, and rope fall on the ground) 

SpongeBob: That was great, Squidward! But how do you get inside? 

Patrick: Yeah, it's all crushy-looking. 

Squidward: It isn't put up yet, you idiots. (starts to mess with his tent but tears it) Huh? 

SpongeBob: Customization. 

Patrick: Genius! 

Squidward (beating the tent with a wooden stake) Bah! bah! bah! 

SpongeBob: He's tenderizing the ground! 

Patrick: Of course! (Squidward gets tangled in the rope) 

SpongeBob: Write that down!! Write that down!! (Patrick is playing tic-tac-toe instead of writing notes. Squidward kicks the pile of things and it magically becomes a tent) 

Squidward: Huh? Voila. (the tent collapses so Squidward rolls it up out of the way and brings back a sleeping bag) But what could compare to just lying out under the stars? (SpongeBob and Patrick applaud) Well, I've worked up an appetite as big as all outdoors. Time for a little grub. I suppose you two are gonna stew up some twigs and rocks, right? 

SpongeBob: Nope, we've got something even better--Marshmallows. (takes out a bag of marshmallows and eats one) Mmm-mm. Just like the astronauts eat. (Patrick has a fishbowl over his head and he imitates static, like an astronaut) 

Patrick: Patrick to SpongeBob. Patrick to SpongeBob. Do you read me? Over. (SpongeBob has a fishbowl over his head and imitates static as well) 

SpongeBob: SpongeBob to Patrick. I read you. Over. 

Patrick: (imitates static) Patrick to SpongeBob. I'd like one. (imitates static) Over. 

SpongeBob: (imitates static) SpongeBob to Patrick. (imitates static) Me too. (both imitate static back and forth for a bit while Squidward stares vacantly at them) 

SpongeBob: (imitates static) SpongeBob to Patrick, help yourself. Over. 

Patrick: (grabs a marshmallow) Yummy! (takes the marshmallow and jams it in his mouth, through the fishbowl, breaking it) Patrick to SpongeBob! The deliciousness has landed! 

Squidward: Well, you two astronauts can eat marshmallows. I gonna have a can of Swedish Barnacle Balls.... (holds up the can in his hand) just as soon as I can get my can opener. 

SpongeBob: But Squidward, didn't you take a can opener when you hiked out here? 

Squidward: Why would I bother? We're ten feet from my house. 

SpongeBob: But this is the wilderness. It just doesn't seem to fit the camping spirit. 

Patrick: ''Pretty weenie''. 

Squidward: All right. All right. Gimme a marshmallow. (Squidward begins roasting his marshmallow until Patrick's marshmallow catches on fire and he blows it on Squidward's face. Squidward begins roasting his marshmallow until Patrick's marshmallow catches on fire and he blows it on Squidward's face again. The third shot Squidward avoids and laughs. The marshmallow flies back into Squidward's head) Ok. Besides spitting molten food stuffs at me, what else do you do for fun? 

SpongeBob: Well, after a long day of camping, it's nice to unwind with a nice, relaxing campfire song.

Music: "[[The Campfire Song Song]]"
I call this one "The Campfire Song Song".

Let's gather 'round the campfire
And sing our campfire song
Our C-A-M-P-F-I-R-E S-O-N-G song
And if you don't think that we can sing it faster, then you're wrong
But it'll help if you just sing along.....
Patrick: Bum! bum! bum!

C-A-M-P-F-I-R-E S-O-N-G song!
C-A-M-P-F-I-R-E S-O-N-G song!
And if you don't think that we can sing it faster, then you're wrong
But it'll help if you just sing along.... Sing another song....

C-A-M-P-F-I-R-E S-O-N-G song
Patrick!
SONG! C-A-M-P-F-I-R-E-
Squidward! (silence) Good!

It'll help…it'll help…
If you just sing along!
Oh yeah!

SpongeBob: Ahh, now, wasn't that relaxing? 

Squidward: No! This is relaxing. (holds up his clarinet and plays "Michael, Row The Board Ashore") 

SpongeBob: Oh no! I'll save you, Squidward! (picks up a marshmallow and uses a slingshot to shoot in the clarinet and into Squidward's throat) Squidward, are you all right? That's it, chew, chew, and swallow. There, better? 

Squidward: Better?! I was fine until you lodged that ballistic junk food into my windpipe! 

SpongeBob: But I had to! It's too dangerous to play the clarinet badly out here in the wilderness! It might attract…(whispers)a sea bear. 

Squidward: A sea bear? You mean like the ones that '''DON'T EXIST?!''' 

SpongeBob: What are you saying? 

Squidward: There's no such thing! They're just a myth! 

SpongeBob: Oh no, Squidward, sea bears are all too real! It says so in the ''Bikini Bottom Inquirer''! (holds up the magazine) 

Squidward: (reads cover) "''I Married a Sea Bear''" ? 

Patrick: Yeah, and ''Fake Science Monthly''! (holds up the magazine) 

Squidward: (reads cover) "Sea Bears and Fairy Tales Are Real?" That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard! 

Patrick: Well, maybe it is stupid, '''''but it's also dumb'''''! 

SpongeBob: Patrick's right, Squidward. Sea bears are no laughing matter. Why, once I met this guy who knew this guy who knew this guy who knew this guy who knew this guy who knew this guy who knew this guy who knew this guy who knew this guy who knew this guy who knew this guy who knew this guy who knew this guy who knew this guy who knew this guy who knew this guy who knew this guy's cousin… 

Squidward: You're right! I should be more careful. In fact, why don't you tell me all of the things I shouldn't do if I want to keep the sea bears away? 

SpongeBob: Ok, that's easy. First off, don't play the clarinet. 

Squidward: Okay. Then what? 

Spongebob: Never wave your flashlight back and forth really fast. 

Patrick: Flashlights are their natural prey. 

Squidward: You're kidding. 

SpongeBob: Don't stomp around. They take that as a challenge. 

Patrick: Yeah. 

Squidward: Go on. 

SpongeBob: Don't ever eat cheese. 

Squidward: Sliced or cubed? (SpongeBob & Patrick converse quietly to each other) 

SpongeBob: Cubed; sliced is fine. 

Squidward: Yeah, yeah, and? 

SpongeBob: Never wear a sombrero- 

Patrick: -in a goofy fashion! 

SpongeBob: Or clown shoes. 

Patrick: Or a hoop skirt. 

SpongeBob: And never… 

Patrick: Ever… 

SpongeBob: Ever… 

Patrick: DAHHH! 

SpongeBob & Patrick: '''''SCREECH LIKE A CHIMPANZEE!!!''''' 

Squidward: Wow! That's amazing how many things can set a sea bear off. (Spongebob and Patrick are holding each other in terror)

SpongeBob & Patrick: They're horrible! 

Squidward: And… and suddenly I have the sense we're all in danger! 

SpongeBob & Patrick: Why? 

Squidward: I don't know… (runs off and comes back wearing all the items mentioned from before) '''Just a feeling'''!! 

SpongeBob: No. 

Squidward: Yes. 

SpongeBob: No! (Squidward begins making monkey & chimp noises) 

SpongeBob & Patrick: Squidward, please don't! (Squidward continues to do whatever it takes to get a sea bear's attention)

Patrick: SpongeBob, what are we gonna do? A sea bear is sure to come over and eat us! (cries) 

SpongeBob: Don't worry, Patrick. I'll draw us an anti-sea-bear circle in the dirt. (grabs a stick and draws a circle around both of them) 

Patrick: Good thinking! (Holds up another issue of ''Fake Science Monthly'') All the experts say it's the only defense against a sea bear attack. 

Squidward: (laughs) You guys are so gullible! See? I did everything that attracts a sea bear and nothing happened! If sea bears really exist, why didn't one show up? 

SpongeBob: Maybe it's because you're not wearing your sombrero in a goofy fashion. 

Squidward: Oh, pfft, sorry! How silly of me! You mean like this? (Squidward tilts his sombrero to the right then laughs. As he is laughing, a clawed fin turns the sombrero upside-down) 

SpongeBob: No, like that. (camera zooms out to reveal a large fish with a bear's head growling at Squidward. Squidward screams and runs but the sea bear attacks him) 

SpongeBob: Squidward, are you okay? (Squidward is bruised and beaten) 

Squidward: No. 

SpongeBob: Quick! Jump inside our anti-sea-bear circle before he comes back. 

Patrick: Yeah. Sea bears often attack more than once. 

Squidward: Are you crazy? A dirt circle won't stop that monster. I'm running for my life! 

SpongeBob & Patrick: No! (sea bear attacks Squidward) 

SpongeBob: Don't run! Sea bears hate that. 

Squidward: Thanks for the tip. I guess I'll just limp home, then. 

SpongeBob & Patrick: No! (sea bear comes back and attacks Squidward again) 

SpongeBob: They hate limping more than running! 

Squidward: Well, I guess I'll just have… (sea bear comes back and attacks Squidward again) 

SpongeBob: I should have warned you about crawling. (sea bear comes back and attacks Squidward again) 

Squidward: What happened that time? 

SpongeBob: I don't know! I guess he just doesn't like you.

Patrick: '''''Pretend to be somebody else!!!''''' 

SpongeBob: Here, draw a circle. (throws Squidward a stick) 

Squidward: Ok. (sea bear comes back and attacks Squidward again) 

SpongeBob: That was an oval! It has to be a circle! (Squidward runs and sits on top of SpongeBob, inside the circle) 

Squidward: Move over! (sea bear sees the circle, points menacingly at Squidward, then leaves) Hey, it worked! You guys saved my life. 

SpongeBob: Yeah, I'm glad it was just a sea bear. This circle would never hold back a sea '''rhinoceros'''. 

Squidward: What attracts them? 

Patrick: ''The sound of a sea bear attack''. (a large fish with a rhinoceros' head and armor is snorting beside them) 

SpongeBob: Heh, good thing we're all wearing our anti-sea-rhinoceros undergarments, right, Squidward? 

Squidward: (in fear) Uh-huh.

{{Transcripts/Season 3}}

[[Category:Transcript]]
[[Category:Episode Transcripts/Season 3]]

{{Slogan}}

Episode Transcript: Funny Pants

2010-02-19T19:58:12Z

24.244.248.8: /* Dialogue */

{| border="1"
|-bgcolor="#CCCCCC"
!Back Episode Transcript
!Next Episode Transcript
|-
|align="center" rowspan="3"|[[Episode Transcript: Selling Out|Selling Out]]
|[[Episode Transcript: Dunces and Dragons|Dunces and Dragons]]
|}

Episode Article: [[Funny Pants]]

==Characters==
*[[SpongeBob]]
*[[Patrick]]
*[[Squidward]]
*[[Sandy]]
*[[Mr. Krabs]]
*[[Replacement Doctor]]

==Dialogue==

(Squidward is sleeping until SpongeBob knocks on the door causing him to wake up) 

SpongeBob: Oh, Squidward!! 

Squidward: (opens his window) What do you want, SpongeBob? 

SpongeBob: Time for work, Squidward. Another day, another dollar. (laughs)

Squidward: More like another nickel. 

SpongeBob: (laughs) Good one, Squidward. (scene cuts to Squidward and SpongeBob walking down the street and SpongeBob is laughing) Another day, another nickel. (laughs) 

Squidward: It's not that funny. 

SpongeBob: It's funny because it's true! (laughs. Scene cuts to SpongeBob clinging on to Squidward’s legs as they walk into the Krusty Krab) 

Squidward: Move over. (flicks SpongeBob off his legs and into the kitchen) 

SpongeBob: (peaks through the kitchen window) Nickel. (laughs) 

Squidward: (brings food tray over to a customer) Here's your food. (SpongeBob is laughing behind him) It's not that funny! (slams tray down) Please make it stop! (SpongeBob is running into the kitchen then out of Mr. Krabs office still laughing. Scene zooms into Squidward with a bunch of SpongeBob’s laughing around his head. Scene cuts to Squidward flipping the 'OPEN' sign to 'CLOSE' then walking out of the Krusty Krab with SpongeBob still laughing. Squidward enters his house then shuts the door in SpongeBob’s face) 

SpongeBob: Ok, Squidward, see ya tomorrow. (laughs. Squidward is then seen lying in bed with a horrified and scared look on his face)

(Scene cuts to morning at the Krusty Krab, with the regular customers and two officials that look like health inspectors) 

Health Inspector #1: And always check for spare change... 

SpongeBob: Another day, another...nickel! (brings food to customer) 2 Krabby Patties. 

Customer #2: Thanks, kid. 

SpongeBob: Another day, another nickel.(laughs) 

Customer #2: Oh. (3 of them laugh) 

Squidward: He's gone laughing tormentor. (SpongeBob continues to laugh but every few seconds, he gets an ache in his side, possibly from heart, lungs, or larynx damage, though the chance of rythmn to his laughter is possible, and Squidward takes notice of this) This could be my chance. (enters kitchen) SpongeBob, you don't look well! 

SpongeBob: I don't? 

Squidward: No. You should sit down. 

SpongeBob: But... 

Squidward: (sticks a cooking thermometer in SpongeBob's mouth) Shh, shh, shh. (feels his forehead) You're burning up, SpongeBob.

SpongeBob: I am? 

Squidward: (All the while with the thermometer in the frying pans) Tell me, SpongeBob, have your sides been hurting?

SpongeBob: Yeah, a little. 

Squidward: (showing greased thermometer) And your temperature is '''175 DEGREES'''? 

SpongeBob: Is that bad? 

Squidward: Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no. Unless you've been doing a lot of laughing. 

SpongeBob: I ''have'' been laughing a lot, lately. 

Squidward: (gasps) SpongeBob, you've got to be careful! You're gonna burn out your [[Laugh Box|Laugh Box]]! 

SpongeBob: My laugh box? 

Squidward: Yes, it's the part of your body that enables laughter. If you use it too long without giving it a break, it burns out and you can never laugh again. 

SpongeBob: Is that what happened to you, Squidward? 

Squidward: Yes. What? No! Listen, SpongeBob, this is serious. If you burn your laugh box you live your whole life without ever laughing again. (scene cuts to Sandy walking up to Patrick)

Sandy: Hey, Patrick, you wanna hear a joke? 

Patrick: Sure, Sandy. 

SpongeBob: (in a lung capacity machine, possibly a parody of the [[Iron Butt|Iron Butt]]) Sure, I'd love a good laugh. 

Sandy: What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck! (Sandy and Patrick laugh normally while SpongeBob’s laugh is just the machine saying "Ha ha ha". Sandy and Patrick walk away with a sigh of fear or whatever the face is called) 

SpongeBob: I don't wanna burn out my laugh box, Squidward. 

Squidward: Well, the most important thing is to '''''STOP LAUGHING'''''. Any laugh at all could be dangerous. 

SpongeBob: How long do I have to avoid laughing? 

Squidward: Gosh, SpongeBob, I'd say at least for the rest of the day. But you better go 24 hours just to be safe. 

SpongeBob: Thank you so much, Squidward! I don't know what I'd do without you! (later SpongeBob is walking out of the Krusty Krab) A day without laughter is a small price to pay to save my laugh box from utter destruction. I must remain vigilant. (looks over to his right) Nothing funny over there. (looks over to his left) Nothing funny over here. 

Patrick: Hey, SpongeBob, how's it going? 

SpongeBob: (notices banana peel in front of Patrick on the ground) Patrick, banana peel, don't! 

Patrick: What'd you say? (slips on banana peel) 

SpongeBob: Oh, no. (tries to keep from laughing) 

Patrick: Hey, what the... (slips on banana peel again) 

SpongeBob: Wait a minute, Patrick! (Patrick slips on the banana peel again) Please stop! 

Patrick: Right foot first... 

SpongeBob: Wait, Patrick, I can't laugh. 

Patrick: You can't? Oh, I know what to do! (Patrick makes a sound with his lips and SpongeBob runs away trying not laugh) That usually knocks him out. (slips on the banana peel again) 

SpongeBob: (runs behind a building) Get a grip on yourself, SpongeBob. You're in control. (steps on a whoopee cushion) Just back away from the whoopee cushion, SpongeBob. (steps on another whoopee cushion. He gasps) They're everywhere. Everywhere! 

Delivery Fish: Look out for that pie truck! (pie truck crashes into the whoopee cushion truck. SpongeBob laughs a little as the big pie on top of the truck falls on the driver) 

SpongeBob: I gotta get outta here. (runs out of the Bikini Bottom city limits) There's nothing funny up here. But just to be safe... (digs himself a hole to bury himself in overnight. It's now daytime) Ah, I made it 24 hours without laughing. (tries to laugh but produces a weird deflating sound instead) That's odd. (produces the deflating sound again) I've lost my laugh. Ahh! (runs back into Bikini Bottom) I've lost my laugh! Ahh! (knocks on Patrick's rock) 

Patrick: Hi, SpongeBob. 

SpongeBob: It's terrible, Patrick. I can't laugh anymore! 

Patrick: What happened? 

SpongeBob: I went a whole day without laughing and now my laugh is gone. 

Patrick: Let me take a look. (inserts his head into SpongeBob’s mouth) Hmmm, it's dark in here. I better light a match. (smoke fills SpongeBob and Patrick can't get him off his head so he runs around screaming. Later, at the Krusty Krab) 

Mr. Krabs: Come in. 

SpongeBob: (crying) Mr. Krabs...?

Mr. Krabs: What's wrong, boy?

SpongeBob: I lost my laugh. 

Mr. Krabs: You've come to the right place, son. Ya know, there's one thing that always makes me laugh. (both look at money
but only Mr. Krabs laughs) Don't it just tickle you, boy? 

SpongeBob: Not really. 

Mr. Krabs: This calls for drastic measures. I don't usually do this but you seem desperate. touch it. 

SpongeBob: (touches money) Nothing. 

Mr. Krabs: Oh, this is worse than I thought. After all, money is the ultimate source of joy. 

SpongeBob: Maybe I should ask Sandy. She's a scientist. (later at Sandy's tree dome) 

Sandy: Oh, it's easy if you approach it scientifically, SpongeBob. Now, what is laughter? 

SpongeBob: The thing that used to give my life meaning and purpose but now mocks me with its cruel indifference. 

Sandy: (pulls down a chart of the body) But scientifically speaking, its caused by your epiglottis constricting your larynx
causing irregular air intake and respiratory upset. 

SpongeBob: Sounds painful. 

Sandy: Science makes everything sound painful, SpongeBob. (hands SpongeBob a bunch of books) Now, here's a humor theory
textbooks, laugh mechanics, and the quantum giggle theory. 

SpongeBob: Thank you, Sandy. 

Squidward: Ah, it sure is peaceful around here since SquarePants became a sad sack. 

SpongeBob: I read all the books and still nothing. I guess I'll never laugh again. (moans and groans into his pineapple) 

Squidward: I really hate to see the little guy sad but not as much as I hate to see him happy. (laughs) 

Narrator: Later that same evening. 

Squidward: (hears SpongeBob crying) I think I found the one thing I hate more than his laugh. I'm sure he'll cry himself out soon. (night turns into day as Squidward’s tiki plugs up its ears) What have I done? (SpongeBob cries a river into Squidward’s house causing it to flood him outside) Oh, that's it! This charade has to end. (knocks on SpongeBob’s door) 

SpongeBob: Hi, Squidward. 

Squidward: SpongeBob, this infernal crying has to stop. 

SpongeBob: But Squidward, I...I broke my laugh box. (sprays a fountain of tears into Squidward face) 

Squidward: SpongeBob, there is no such thing as a laugh box! I made the whole thing up to get some peace from your insipid laughter. 

SpongeBob: You mean...my laugh box isn't broken and it was a cruel lie that sent me into spiral depression. 

Squidward: Uhh, well it sounds pretty harsh when you put it that way, but yes. 

SpongeBob: I could laugh the whole time? 

Squidward: Yeah. (both laugh) You really fell for it. 

SpongeBob: I guess I did. 

Squidward: You even fell for the ol' thermometer in the boiling oil routine. (laughs) 

SpongeBob: (stops laughing) It's really not that funny, Squidward. 

Squidward: It's hilarious! 

SpongeBob: See ya later, Squidward. (goes into his house) 

Squidward: (still laughing) Break your laugh box! What a schlemiel. (has a laughter breakdown. Two paramedics come take him to the hospital) 

Patrick: Look, he's waking up. 

Squidward: Where am I? 

Sandy: You're in the hospital, silly. You broke your laugh box. 

Mr. Krabs: The doctor said it was the most tiny, dried-out, underused laugh box he ever laid eyes on. 

Patrick: So they cut it out. 

Squidward: Cut it out? 

Patrick: Yeah, wanna see it? (holds up jar with Squidward’s laugh box in it) It's fun to shake it up and watch it bounce around. 

Squidward: Ahh! Gimme that. (takes the jar from Patrick) Ohh! I can never laugh again? 

Replacement Doctor: Nonsense. Your laugh should be stronger than ever. 

Squidward: But, you cut out my laugh box. 

Replacement Doctor: Yes, but, uhh, one of your friends generously allowed us to transplant part of theirs to you. 

Patrick: Nope. 

Mr. Krabs: They wouldn't pay me. 

Sandy: You're getting warmer. 

Squidward: (SpongeBob shows his scar) SpongeBob? (laughs like SpongeBob) 

SpongeBob: Hey, you laugh just like me. (both laugh. Squidward laughs too much so he runs through the wall) Ah, there he goes off to share his laugh with the world.

{{Transcripts/Season 4}}

[[Category:Transcript]]
[[Category:Episode Transcripts/Season 4]]

{{Slogan}}

Episode Transcript: Wet Painters

2010-01-07T16:37:49Z

24.244.248.8: /* Dialogue */

{| border="1"
|-bgcolor="#CCCCCC"
!Back Episode Transcript
!Next Episode Transcript
|-
|align="center" rowspan="3"|[[Episode Transcript: Rock-A-Bye Bivalve|Rock-A-Bye Bivalve]]
|[[Episode Transcript: Krusty Krab Training Video|Krusty Krab Training Video]]
|}

Episode Article: [[Wet Painters]]

==Characters==
*[[SpongeBob]]
*[[Patrick]]
*[[Mr. Krabs]]
*[[Squidward]] (cameo)

==Dialogue==

French Narrator: A slow day at The Krusty Krab.

Spongebob: Hey, Squidward, check this out. (holds up a patty in each hand) Two ordinary Krabby Patties, but when expertly
tossed with the skill of a champ, they become... (throws them on the floor and SpongeBob slides the patties across the room, Patrick steps on them)
 

Patrick: A one-way ticket to PAIN!!! (slams into the wall)

(Cut to Mr. Krabs' office. Window falls on ground and glass breaks)

Mr. Krabs: Huh?

(Cut back to outside the office. Spongebob is in Patrick's mouth with a mop in hand while Patrick slides offscreen to the left)

Spongebob: Heave-ho! (crashes) 

(Office door slams open, Mr. Krabs storms out)

Mr. Krabs: What the barnacles is going on out here?! Time is money! And if you boys is wasting time, THEN YOU'RE WASTING MONEY!!! And that's just sick.

Spongebob: But we were just performing a ritual to attract customers. And the only way the ritual can work is for us to get hurt. Real
bad. 

Mr. Krabs: What stupid barnacle told you that? 

(Cut to Squidward at the register with a magazine in his hands)

Squidward: (with a suspicious grin) Uhhhhh...

Mr. Krabs: Listen, instead of killing yourselves, I’ve got something real important for you to do for me. (scene cuts to outside Mr. Krabs' home, Mr. Krabs talking to Spongebob and Patrick) Now, are you men ready for your super... 
Spongebob & Patrick: (eyes get wide) Super... 

Mr. Krabs: Special... 

Spongebob & Patrick: (eyes get bigger and lips tremble) Special... 

Mr. Krabs: (whispering) Secret... 

Spongebob & Patrick: (faces are small as they whisper) Secret... 

Mr. Krabs: Assignment? 

Spongebob & Patrick: (eyes get gear-like and sobbing while shouting incoherently)

Mr. Krabs: The two of you are to paint the inside of me house! (opens Mr. Krabs' front door, showing inside) 

SpongeBob & Patrick: (Jumping into the air) Yay! 

Mr. Krabs: (Charges them from the right, in a stern tone) But, let me give you two a warning. (Holds up two buckets of paint) This here paint is ABSOLUTELY permanent. (shoves paint buckets into Spongebob and Patrick's hands) It will NEVER come off. (Angrily) So if I see even ONE drop on ANYTHING but WALL, (Screams) I'LL HAVE YOUR REAR ENDS CUT OFF... (holds up two empty plaques, each with their names on it) ...and MOUNTED OVER ME FIREPLACE!!! (Spongebob and Patrick backstep behind the open door, Mr. Krabs' tone becomes casual) So, have fun with the job! (slams the door with the two inside the house) 

(Cut to inside the house, Spongebob and Patrick turn around and look inside)

SpongeBob: Patrick? 

Patrick: Yeah, SpongeBob? 

(Cut to the inside of the room, with many objects clattered around the room)

SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs sure has a lot of expensive treasures to drip paint on. (Puts his paint bucket down) Do you think we should take this stuff off the walls? 

Patrick: (Points at Spongebob) No way, SpongeBob, we’re not getting paid to move things. 

SpongeBob: Patrick, we’re not getting paid at all. 

Patrick: Well that’s what I said! We’re not getting paid and that’s FINAL! 

SpongeBob: O-Kay, we’ll just paint around all this stuff. 

Patrick: (mockingly) Good, just don’t pay me. 

SpongeBob: (Cheerfully) First we need to set up the tarp. (pulls out tarp) 

Patrick: (does the same) Tarp ahoy! (spreads the tarp on the floor. Camera zooms out, showing that it is a tiny piece) 

SpongeBob: We’re gonna need more coverage, Patrick. (scene cuts to more tarp scattered randomly on the floor, but not the entire floor, with paint buckets where first piece of tarp was) Now THAT'S what I’m talking about! (In a nervous tone) Well, I guess we should open these cans of...permanent paint now. 

Patrick: That will NEVER, EVER come off. 

SpongeBob: And if we get it on anything, Mr. Krabs will cut our butts off. 

Patrick: (Scared) And mount them on the wall! (SpongeBob takes a screwdriver and tries prying open the lid) Careful, SpongeBob. Careful, SpongeBob. (Spongebob sweats everywhere) SpongeBob, careful. Careful, SpongeBob. Careful, SpongeBob! Careful, SpongeBob! (Yelling with dramatic camera zoom and background) CAREFUL, SPONGEBOB!!! 

SpongeBob: (Standing up, with lid and screwdriver in his hands) Patrick, the lid’s already off. 

Patrick: Oh. (Happily) Now it’s my turn! (takes out a giant battleaxe and smashes the paint can with it, can is only slightly squished and wobbles for half a second. SpongeBob hurriedly grabs the can) 

SpongeBob: I think I should do this one too, Patrick.

(carefully opens up the lid with same screwdriver as before. Lid opens, and a drop of paint jumps out. Spongebob and Patrick start screaming. Drop bounces off a piece of tarp. Spongebob and Patrick scream louder. Drop bounces off 7 scattered pieces of tarp, then an 8th, and finally falls back into open can.) 

Patrick: (Unimpressed) Well, that was a rip-off. 

SpongeBob: Ok, Patrick, let’s get our brushes ready. (holds up a wide brush. Looks at it and starts sweating.) Uhhh, maybe we should start with a smaller brush. (Throws brush to the left offscreen. Takes a thin paintbrush and gets a tiny hair out of his nose. Patrick does the same. Struggles one moment, and pulls it out with a cluster of nosehair as big as his head and left eye watery. Spongebob dips tip of his paintbrush into paint can and walks to a wall from the right) (Scared and nervous) All right, Patrick, gotta get started, (zooms out to a huge, clattered wall) painting this wall. (Zooms in to in front of the paintbrush with eyes filled with strained blood vessels) With the permanent paint that we’re not allowed to get on anything (Zooms back out to clattered wall) but the wall. (Sweat flies everywhere) Well, here we go. 

French Narrator: One hour later. 

SpongeBob: (doing exactly the same as he was from the previous scene) Just a few more seconds of mental preparation and I’ll be painting this wall. 

Narrator: Two hours later. 

SpongeBob: (still standing in the same spot, but with puddle of sweat under his feet) I’m getting to the painting. 

Narrator: Three hours later. 

Patrick: (Holding time card, also sweating) Can you move it along? I’m all out of time cards. 

SpongeBob: (Still the same, puddle bigger) No problem. Here I go. (Zooms in to a space in the wall. Spongebob makes a vertical line of paint going down the wall. Spongebob takes brush back and smiles gleefully The paint then starts going down.) Huh? (blows it one direction then another then another until he gets a blow dryer and the paint glides off the wall in a bubble) Yeah! huh? (notices the big paint bubble. Throws blow dryer off screen) Barnacles! What could be worse than a giant paint bubble? 

Patrick: Oh, I know! (takes a bubble wand, dips it in the paint then blows a big bubble) TWO giant paint bubbles! 

SpongeBob: No!! (two giant paint bubbles merge into an even bigger giant paint bubble. Scared) Patrick?

Patrick: (Nervous) Yeah, SpongeBob? 

SpongeBob: (Nervous also) I don’t think this bubble can get much bigger! 

Patrick: (with tire inflator into the bubble. Yells stupidly) Nonsense! (blows up the bubble even bigger)

SpongeBob: (Screams) PAT, NO!!! (Humongous paint bubble explodes. The paint splatters all over the wall, covering up all the old brown spots. SpongeBob moves out of the way for the last bit of paint to splash on the wall) We did it! We painted the whole house and without getting a drop of paint on... (screams) Flappin' flotsam! What's that?!(a dollar on the wall has a dot of paint on it,probably just a trick of the light. SpongeBob’s eyes shatter like eggs and insides drip on the floor. Spongebob then falls back on the floor) We’re DEAD, Patrick! Do you know what that is? 

Patrick: Hmmm...it’s a dollar. I win! 

SpongeBob: That’s not just a dollar. It’s Mr. Krabs' first dollar! His most prized possession! And we got paint on it! 

Patrick: I think you are over-reacting SpongeBob, I don’t see any paint. 

SpongeBob: Ok, this isn’t a problem. Maybe I can just wipe it off. (tries to wipe the paint off with his tie but makes the paint even more noticeable) I think I got it. (wipes it more but it gets worse) 

Patrick: Oh, now I see it! 

SpongeBob: This is not good, Patrick! This is not good! Mr. Krabs is gonna be home soon, and when he sees what we did to his first dollar... (scene cuts to SpongeBob & Patrick's butt on the wall while Mr. Krabs is enjoying some tea by the fire) 

SpongeBob & Patrick: (Grabbing their butts) AAAAAHHHH!!!

Patrick: Wait, SpongeBob, all we got to do is wash the paint off and Krabs will never know! 

SpongeBob: But Mr. Krabs said... 

Patrick: (Interuppts Spongebob) Forget what Mr. Krabs said! Every paint comes off with something! (scene cuts to SpongeBob standing by a washing machine) 

SpongeBob: Did it work? (Patrick comes out from the washing machine with the dollar, still with paint on it, and bra on his head, in his hands) 

Patrick: No. (scene cuts to SpongeBob sanding the dollar with a buzzsaw in Patrick's hand) 

SpongeBob: Did it work? (Patrick’s hands are gone, leaving stumps) 

Patrick: Nope. (scene cuts to SpongeBob using a fire hose in a fire hydrant, Patrick screaming off-screen) 

SpongeBob: Did it work? (Patrick holds up the dollar that left a hole in his body from the force of the water, but place where dollar and hands were had no hole) 

Patrick: Nope. (scene cuts to SpongeBob banging on the dollar Patrick is holding, while Patrick is wearing a neck brace, in a room with a lot of violent tools) 

SpongeBob: Nothing’s working! 

Patrick: Wait, SpongeBob! we’re not cavemen! (walks over to a computer) We have technology! (picks up the computer and smashes it on the dollar while grunting like a Neanderthal. Zooms in on dollar, all wrinkled) 

SpongeBob: It didn’t work. 

Patrick: This is all Mr. Krabs’ fault! If he hadn’t have hung that stupid dollar in the first place...I mean, it’s not like it looks any different than a regular dollar. Why hang it? You could just stick any old dollar bill on the wall, no one would even know the difference! You might as well reach in my wallet, take out a dollar, and put it on the wall! 

SpongeBob: Patrick, take out your wallet. 

Patrick: (takes out a dollar) I don’t see where you’re going with this...hey, a dollar! 

SpongeBob: Our butts are saved, Patrick! Now all we have to is...Patrick, no! (Patrick puts his dollar in a vending machine) No...why’d you put it in the... (he dollar comes out) Grab it, Pat, grab it! Hurry, hurry! (Patrick pushes it back in) Aww, Pat, no, no! (dollar comes out again) Get it, Pat, get it, get it, get it! (Patrick slams it back in again using both hands flat up against the machine, then walks up with the chocolate bar he got to SpongeBob) 

Patrick: Wanna bite? 

SpongeBob: (anxiously) Ok, ok, we still have time! (looks in a mirror) Don’t panic, SpongeBob. Panic is the enemy. You are strong. Through your strength, you shall overcome! (Mr. Krabs is heard humming a sea shanty outside the house) 

Mirror SpongeBob: You’re on your own pal. (walks away) 

SpongeBob: (screams) Hurry Patrick, put the dollar back on the wall! I got an idea! (Mr. Krabs enters his dark house where all the lights are off) 

Mr. Krabs: What the...? 

SpongeBob: (Sounding anxious) We’re all done, sir. Everything looks great.

Patrick: (Also sounding anxiously) Yeah, you don’t have to look around. We already did that for you. (lights turn on, with Spongebob and Patrick in front with fear and guilt-filled grins) 

Mr. Krabs: You two look like you got a dirty little secret. (Spongebob and Patrick stare) Ha! I’m kidding. Let’s see how you did. Oh, not bad boys, not bad. A nice even coat, high gloss, NO BUBBLES... 

SpongeBob: Yeah, looks great, Mr. Krabs. We’ll just be going... 

Mr. Krabs: (Shouting) Flippin' fish parcels! look what you did! (Spongebob and Patrick start to beg to Mr. Krabs) Sorry? You dusted all my knickknacks! That was really nice. (Shouting again) Great Barrier Reef!! what’s this? (both start to beg again) Oh, and I suppose the floor molding just painted itself on its own. (wall is decorated with tiny ships) That’s what I call craftsmanship. Criminy jim-jam!!!!!!!!! You messed up my dollar... (runs over to a bunch of dolls lined up perfectly, with one of them tilted slightly to the left) ...rama! All the dolls in this doll-a-rama were perfectly aligned!(straightens one of the dolls to an upright position) 

Doll: (Squeaks) Mama. 

Mr. Krabs: And you boys thought I wouldn’t notice. Oh well, I guess no harm done. All right boys, you’re free to go. (runs into a long pile of paintings) Ow!!!!! That’s funny, I don’t remember a stack of painting jutting from the wall where me first dollar used to be. In fact, I don’t remember this painting at all. (takes picture of crying clown off the wall, then showing one of racecars) Or this one. (takes it off, showing abstract art. Spongebob and Patrick trembling) Or this one. Or this one. Or this one. (Painting of banana on wall)Or this one. (takes it off, showing picture of pirate from opening sequence) Or this one. (takes it off. SpongeBob is behind the painting he just took off, rope behind his back on nail) 

SpongeBob: (nervously) Hi, Mr. Krabs. 

Mr. Krabs: SpongeBob, what are you doing? 

SpongeBob: Oh, you know, just hanging around. 

Patrick: (gives thumbs down) Booooo! 

Mr. Krabs: Get down onto the floor, boy. (SpongeBob stretches his body to the floor) All right, now you’re just being silly.
(takes SpongeBob off the wall)

Spongebob: (Shouts) No, no, no, no, Mr. Krabs! No! Don't look! It's a trick!

Mr. Krabs: Did you two get paint all over me first dollar? 

SpongeBob & Patrick: We’re sorry, Mr. Krabs! 

Mr. Krabs: And then did you draw on it with crayon?! (dollars is drawn on with green crayon, showing two dollar signs and a smiley face) 

Patrick: (Holding green crayon) I thought, you know, maybe he’d buy it? 

Mr. Krabs: (Menacingly) All right boys! You know what I’ve got to do now? 

SpongeBob: You mean our butts? 

Patrick: Can I use mine one last time? (Mr. Krabs takes the dollar and licks it. The paint comes off then Mr. Krabs puts the dollar back up on the wall) 

Mr. Krabs: There we go, good as new.

SpongeBob & Patrick: But, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but...

Mr Krabs: Yeah, I lied. This paint actually comes off with saliva! (laughs) 

SpongeBob: Oh, I get it, Mr. Krabs. You told us the paint is permanent so me and Patrick would be more careful not to get paint on anything! 

Mr. Krabs: Nah, I just like to mess with you! (laughs. SpongeBob & Patrick leave his house. Mr. Krabs spits all over the place while he is laughing) The old man’s still got it! (the paint comes off the wall from the spit) Aww, crud, I really got to learn to say it, not spray it.

{{Transcripts/Season 3}}

[[Category:Transcript]]
[[Category:Episode Transcripts/Season 3]]

{{Slogan}}

Episode Transcript: Rule of Dumb

2009-12-11T13:22:41Z

24.244.248.8: /* Dialogue */

{| border="1"
|-bgcolor="#CCCCCC"
!Back Episode Transcript
!Next Episode Transcript
|-
|align="center" rowspan="3"|[[Episode Transcript: Driven to Tears|Driven to Tears]]
|[[Episode Transcript: Born to Be Wild|Born to Be Wild]]
|}

Episode Article: [[Rule of Dumb]]

==Characters==
*[[SpongeBob]]
*[[Patrick]]
*[[Squidward]]
*[[Gary]]
*[[Mr. Krabs]]

==Dialogue==

(pink starfish in a suit walks up and knocks on Patrick's rock) 

Patrick: Yeah? 

Starfish: Good day, sir. I am... 

Patrick: (gasp) I know exactly who you are! (closes rock) 

SpongeBob: Ah, there's nothing like spending quality time with my Gar-Gar. 

Lady on TV: Jason, I have to be honest. There's someone else. (grabs an elderly fish) 

Man on TV: Grandpa! 

Patrick: (pokes head out of TV) SpongeBob, help! He's onto me! I don't have much time! (He makes a fire in SpongeBob’s living room and burns some of his books) 

SpongeBob: Patrick, what are you doing? 

Patrick: I have to get rid of these books! (shows 'HOW TO READ' book) 

SpongeBob: Why? 

Patrick: I'll show you why. (shoves SpongeBob’s face into his window looking at the pink starfish) See him? He's from the library. He knows about my overdue books. (SpongeBob gasps) Uh-huh. Which means I'm gonna get thrown into the big house. And you know what that means... 

SpongeBob: Small portion meals? 

Patrick: Exactly! (crying) 

SpongeBob: Patrick, don't you worry. I got your back, man. (later, SpongeBob approaches the starfish outside) Hi there. 

Starfish: Salutations, young one. Say, you wouldn't happen to know that starfish that lives under this rock, would you? 

SpongeBob: Huh? No, I don't know any starfish. Even if I did know this "alleged" starfish, Patrick wouldn't owe any overdue library books. 

Starfish: (chuckles) Well, it's too bad you don't know Patrick Star, because I am from the Royal Ministry, and have a gift for him. (takes out a crown) 

Patrick: (runs through SpongeBob’s wall) Ooh, what is it? (takes it and tries to bite and lick it) This is the worst-tasting gift ever! 

Starfish: That's because you're suppose to wear it, not eat it. Allow me to show you something. (clattering) Let's see here. Aha! What I hold in my hands is a family tree that goes back centuries. It starts with the marriage of King Amoeba and Queen Mildew. Then, through a few inbred generations, ends at you, Sir Patrick, which makes you a descendant of royalty. You are a king. And now it's time I adjourn to the Royal Ministry, where I should be at your service. Your Highness. 

SpongeBob: Wow, Patrick, that's great! 

Patrick: What is? 

SpongeBob: That you're king! 

Patrick: What's a king? 

SpongeBob: When you're a king, you can get anything you want.

Patrick: Anything I want? (stomach grumbles) SpongeBob, do you think we can get something to eat? 

SpongeBob: Your wish is my command, your majesty. (laughing. Cut to Krusty Krab where SpongeBob enters with medieval clothes on) Good townspeople, let us rejoice in welcoming our new king.

Patrick: King needs food badly. 

Mr. Krabs: What's this all ab... (gasps. Sees Patrick's crown and dollar signs appear in his eyes) Well, well, well. What can I do for you, Patrick? 

SpongeBob: The king would like... 

Mr. Krabs: Zip it, SquarePants... I'm talking to the rich guy. 

Patrick: I'll have ten Krabby Patties, a Krabby milkshake, large fries... 

Mr. Krabs: I've got a better idea. (cut to a bunch of food on the table and Patrick chewing loudly) A buffet fit for a king. 

Patrick: (belches) Tasty. 

Mr. Krabs: Listen, Patrick, there comes a time in every man's life when he's got to settle down. You know, get a wife, kids, a father-in-law you give all your money to. 

Patrick: Uh-huh, that sounds great. Hey, can I get a little more ketchup? 

Mr. Krabs: How about you pay the check, instead? 

Patrick: Oh sorry, Mr. Krabs, no can do. As king of Bikini Bottom, I am allowed to have anything I want. Isn't that right, SpongeBob? 

SpongeBob: That is correct. Anything you want, and it's all free. 

Mr. Krabs: All free?!!? (kicks them out) Nobody eats in me restaurant for free, king or no king! (customer runs out with drink and patty) 

Patrick: Are you gonna eat that? 

Fish: I was planning to, why? 

Patrick: I want it. (takes it) 

Fish: Hey! What gives you the right to take my food? 

Patrick: Tell him, SpongeBob. 

SpongeBob: Uhh, Pat, I'm not sure this is what being king is all about. 

Patrick: I thought you said I could have anything I want. Was my bestest friend lying to me? 

SpongeBob: (chuckles) Don't be ridiculous, Patrick. I'd never lie to you. 

Patrick: Good! Now tell him. 

SpongeBob: Hi. By proclamation of the Royal Ministry, the king is entitled to have anything he wants, whatever he wants. (chuckles) 

Fish: This isn't fair. (walks off) 

Patrick: Life isn't fair, pal. Get used to it. 

Fish #2: I finally did it! At long last, I've acquired issue #2 of Wonder Space Fish, and in mint condition. Now my 40 year-old life and my comic book collection are complete. Mom's gonna be so proud of me. (bumps into Patrick) 

Patrick: No, she won't be, because these comic books are mine! 

Fish #2: But, I've spent my entire life collecting those. 

Patrick: Yeah, well, now you can spend the rest of your life crying about it. I'm the king! 

Fish #2: I will cry about it. (crying...) I'll cry to my mom! (cries...) 

Patrick: (laughs) I love being king! (cut to the jewelry store where Patrick gets a diamond and puts it in his belly button, SpongeBob taking the lollipops from the kids and Patrick licking all of them, Patrick taking a mother's baby's pacifier, taking a plunger, a toaster, and dentures. There's now a line of people giving Patrick what he wants) 

SpongeBob: Okay, thank you, sir. I'm sure King Patrick could use this walker. 

Elderly Fish: I hope so. Neptune knows I did. (falls over) Oof! 

Patrick: Hey, SpongeBob! 

SpongeBob: Yes, sire? 

Patrick: (slurping a drink and reading a magazine) I need your opinion on something. Do you think the giant flat-screen TV should go over the fancy egg display or the indoor swimming pool? (cut to Squidward sleeping then waking up to birds chirping and the sun shining) 

Squidward: Hello, sunshine. (chuckles then yawns as he walks over to his window) What a beautiful morning. Just perfect. (Squidward falls over from side to side in his house. Patrick is using a crane to move Squidward's house out of the way) 

Patrick: Back. Back. Back. Okay. Yeah, that's good. (crane drops the house) Perfect. (Squidward climbs out of his upstairs window)
 

Squidward: (stuttering) My-my-my house. What's happened to my...huh? SpongeBob, Patrick. What the barnacles is going on
here?! Look at what you've done. Look at my poor front yard. 

Patrick: Your front yard? 

SpongeBob: Umm, his royal highness is building a royal Ferris Wheel. 

Squidward: Ferris Wheel? 

SpongeBob: I know, isn't it great? 

Squidward: No, it's not great! It's horrible. Oh, that's it. Stop! People of Bikini Bottom, stop! Stop! Patrick's no king.
Look at him. How can this pink blob be king? 

Patrick: (looking stupidly) Uh... 

Squidward: You. Do you honestly believe that that mindless starfish can possibly be the king of anything? (Patrick puts his
hand in his mouth) King of Morons, maybe. 

Worker: He might be on to something. 

Squidward: Yeah, yeah, yeah. See, see? Uh-huh. See? 

Workers: Why are we giving this guy all our stuff? (everyone walks off) 

Squidward: See? See? You're not a king. And now, they all think so, too! 

Patrick: Get him! Attack! Attack! (panting) SpongeBob, get him! So I decree. Attack! 

SpongeBob: Uh, right away, your majesty. Umm, Squidward? 

Squidward: What? 

SpongeBob: Umm, could I get you to sign this treaty promising your eternal loyalty to King Patrick? 

Squidward: (takes decree) Give me that. A treaty, huh? Well, here's what I think of your treaty. (throws it away. Cut to
inside Patrick's castle where SpongeBob has the treaty stuck in his forehead) 

Patrick: My royal subjects have deserted me. And it's all 'cause of that horrible Squidward. This is all his fault. His,
his, not mine, his! (crackling, boings) 

SpongeBob: Patrick, what's happened to you? 

Patrick: I don't know what you mean. 

SpongeBob: Uh... (laughs) You know, Mr Krabs is probably wondering where I am...and... 

Patrick: And what... 

SpongeBob: Um, well...it's just that, um, you're kinda being a jerk. 

Patrick: Huh? (laughs) I thought you were going to say I was abusing my power. 

SpongeBob: Uh...well, I... 

Patrick: Who's saying I'm abusing my POWER! (SpongeBob shrinks) I'll put the whole town in prison. (SpongeBob runs away)
Questioning my authority is treason! All these kingly speeches are making me thirsty. SpongeBob, I request a drink.
SpongeBob? (snorts) SpongeBob?! Everybody's gone. I'm all alone. Fine, I'll get it myself. (walks by the mirror, showing an ogre version of Patrick) 

Mirror: Knock knock. 

Patrick: Who's there? 

Mirror Patrick: You. 

Patrick & Mirror: I don't get it. 

Mirror: I am you & you are me. 

Patrick: (wires connect in his brain then screams) What have I become? (runs out) A monster! Monster! (runs into te
librarian before) Huh? Oh, it's, it's you! Here, here, take it. I don't want it anymore. It's turned me into a monster. 

Starfish: Oh, I think I know what's going on here. Patrick, with great power comes great responsibility. You haven't a clue
what I just told you, do you? 

Patrick: No. Uh-uh. 

Starfish: Oh, just as well. I've come to take the crown back, as it seems that you aren't royalty after all. 

Patrick: Huh? 

Starfish: (takes out family history) I've discovered this coffee stain, which upon removal, reveals that Sir Gary is the
true heir to the king's crown. (cut to Gary having a crown put on his head) 

SpongeBob: Well, would you look at that. Gary, you're royalty. 

Gary: Maow.

{{Transcripts/Season 4}}

[[Category:Episode Transcripts/Season 4]]
[[Category:Transcript]]

{{Slogan}}

Episode Transcript: Wet Painters

2009-12-02T19:20:03Z

24.244.248.8:

{| border="1"
|-bgcolor="#CCCCCC"
!Back Episode Transcript
!Next Episode Transcript
|-
|align="center" rowspan="3"|[[Episode Transcript: Rock-A-Bye Bivalve|Rock-A-Bye Bivalve]]
|[[Episode Transcript: Krusty Krab Training Video|Krusty Krab Training Video]]
|}

Episode Article: [[Wet Painters]]

==Characters==
*[[SpongeBob]]
*[[Patrick]]
*[[Mr. Krabs]]
*[[Squidward]] (cameo)

==Dialogue==

French Narrator: A slow day at The Krusty Krab.

Spongebob: Hey, Squidward, check this out. (holds up a patty in each hand) Two ordinary Krabby Patties, but when expertly
tossed with the skill of a champ, they become... (throws them on the floor and SpongeBob slides the patties across the room, Patrick steps on them)
 

Patrick: A one-way ticket to PAIN!!! (slams into the wall)

(Cut to Mr. Krabs' office. Window falls on ground and glass breaks)

Mr. Krabs: Huh?

(Cut back to outside the office. Spongebob is in Patrick's mouth with a mop in hand while Patrick slides offscreen to the left)

Spongebob: Heave-ho! (crashes) 

(Office door slams open, Mr. Krabs storms out)

Mr. Krabs: What the barnacles is going on out here?! Time is money! And if you boys is wasting time, THEN YOU'RE WASTING MONEY!!! And that's just sick.

Spongebob: But we were just performing a ritual to attract customers. And the only way the ritual can work is for us to get hurt. Real
good. 

Mr. Krabs: What stupid barnacle told you that? 

(Cut to Squidward at the register with a magazine in his hands)

Squidward: Uhhhhh...

Mr. Krabs: Listen, instead of killing yourselves, I’ve got something real important for you to do for me. (scene cuts to outside Mr. Krabs' home, Mr. Krabs talking to Spongebob and Patrick) Now, are you men ready for your super... 
Spongebob & Patrick: (eyes get wide) Super... 

Mr. Krabs: Special... 

Spongebob & Patrick: (eyes get bigger and lips tremble) Special... 

Mr. Krabs: (whispering) Secret... 

Spongebob & Patrick: (faces are small as they whisper) Secret... 

Mr. Krabs: Assignment? 

Spongebob & Patrick: (eyes get gear-like and sobbing while shouting incoherently)

Mr. Krabs: The two of you are to paint the inside of me house! (opens Mr. Krabs' front door, showing inside) 

SpongeBob & Patrick: (Jumping into the air) Yay! 

Mr. Krabs: (Charges them from the right, in a stern tone) But, let me give you two a warning. (Holds up two buckets of paint) This here paint is ABSOLUTELY permanent. (shoves paint buckets into Spongebob and Patrick's hands) It will NEVER come off. (Angrily) So if I see even ONE drop on ANYTHING but WALL, (Screams) I'LL HAVE YOUR REAR ENDS CUT OFF... (holds up two empty plaques, each with their names on it) ...and MOUNTED OVER ME FIREPLACE!!! (Spongebob and Patrick backstep behind the open door, Mr. Krabs' tone becomes casual) So, have fun with the job! (slams the door with the two inside the house) 

(Cut to inside the house, Spongebob and Patrick turn around and look inside)

SpongeBob: Patrick? 

Patrick: Yeah, SpongeBob? 

(Cut to the inside of the room, with many objects clattered around the room)

SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs sure has a lot of expensive treasures to drip paint on. (Puts his paint bucket down) Do you think we should take this stuff off the walls? 

Patrick: (Points at Spongebob) No way, SpongeBob, we’re not getting paid to move things. 

SpongeBob: Patrick, we’re not getting paid at all. 

Patrick: Well that’s what I said! We’re not getting paid and that’s FINAL! 

SpongeBob: O-Kay, we’ll just paint around all this stuff. 

Patrick: (mockingly) Good, just don’t pay me. 

SpongeBob: (Cheerfully) First we need to set up the tarp. (pulls out tarp) 

Patrick: (does the same) Tarp ahoy! (spreads the tarp on the floor. Camera zooms out, showing that it is a tiny piece) 

SpongeBob: We’re gonna need more coverage, Patrick. (scene cuts to more tarp scattered randomly on the floor, but not the entire floor, with paint buckets where first piece of tarp was) Now THAT'S what I’m talking about! (In a nervous tone) Well, I guess we should open these cans of...permanent paint now. 

Patrick: That will NEVER, EVER come off. 

SpongeBob: And if we get it on anything, Mr. Krabs will cut our butts off. 

Patrick: (Scared) And mount them on the wall! (SpongeBob takes a screwdriver and tries prying open the lid) Careful, SpongeBob. Careful, SpongeBob. (Spongebob sweats everywhere) SpongeBob, careful. Careful, SpongeBob. Careful, SpongeBob! Careful, SpongeBob! (Yelling with dramatic camera zoom and background) CAREFUL, SPONGEBOB!!! 

SpongeBob: (Standing up, with lid and screwdriver in his hands) Patrick, the lid’s already off. 

Patrick: Oh. (Happily) Now it’s my turn! (takes out a giant battleaxe and smashes the paint can with it, can is only slightly squished and wobbles for half a second. SpongeBob hurriedly grabs the can) 

SpongeBob: I think I should do this one too, Patrick.

(carefully opens up the lid with same screwdriver as before. Lid opens, and a drop of paint jumps out. Spongebob and Patrick start screaming. Drop bounces off a piece of tarp. Spongebob and Patrick scream louder. Drop bounces off 7 scattered pieces of tarp, then an 8th, and finally falls back into open can.) 

Patrick: (Unimpressed) Well, that was a rip-off. 

SpongeBob: Ok, Patrick, let’s get our brushes ready. (holds up a wide brush. Looks at it and starts sweating.) Uhhh, maybe we should start with a smaller brush. (Throws brush to the left offscreen. Takes a thin paintbrush and gets a tiny hair out of his nose. Patrick does the same. Struggles one moment, and pulls it out with a cluster of nosehair as big as his head and left eye watery. Spongebob dips tip of his paintbrush into paint can and walks to a wall from the right) (Scared and nervous) All right, Patrick, gotta get started, (zooms out to a huge, clattered wall) painting this wall. (Zooms in to in front of the paintbrush with eyes filled with strained blood vessels) With the permanent paint that we’re not allowed to get on anything (Zooms back out to clattered wall) but the wall. (Sweat flies everywhere) Well, here we go. 

French Narrator: One hour later. 

SpongeBob: (doing exactly the same as he was from the previous scene) Just a few more seconds of mental preparation and I’ll be painting this wall. 

Narrator: Two hours later. 

SpongeBob: (still standing in the same spot, but with puddle of sweat under his feet) I’m getting to the painting. 

Narrator: Three hours later. 

Patrick: (Holding time card, also sweating) Can you move it along? I’m all out of time cards. 

SpongeBob: (Still the same, puddle bigger) No problem. Here I go. (Zooms in to a space in the wall. Spongebob makes a vertical line of paint going down the wall. Spongebob takes brush back and smiles gleefully The paint then starts going down.) Huh? (blows it one direction then another then another until he gets a blow dryer and the paint glides off the wall in a bubble) Yeah! huh? (notices the big paint bubble. Throws blow dryer off screen) Barnacles! What could be worse than a giant paint bubble? 

Patrick: Oh, I know! (takes a bubble wand, dips it in the paint then blows a big bubble) TWO giant paint bubbles! 

SpongeBob: No!! (two giant paint bubbles merge into an even bigger giant paint bubble. Scared) Patrick?

Patrick: (Nervous) Yeah, SpongeBob? 

SpongeBob: (Nervous also) I don’t think this bubble can get much bigger! 

Patrick: (with tire inflator into the bubble. Yells stupidly) Nonsense! (blows up the bubble even bigger)

SpongeBob: (Screams) PAT, NO!!! (Humongous paint bubble explodes. The paint splatters all over the wall, covering up all the old brown spots. SpongeBob moves out of the way for the last bit of paint to splash on the wall) We did it! We painted the whole house and without getting a drop of paint on... (screams) Flappin' flotsam! What's that?!(a dollar on the wall has a dot of paint on it,probably just a trick of the light. SpongeBob’s eyes shatter like eggs and insides drip on the floor. Spongebob then falls back on the floor) We’re DEAD, Patrick! Do you know what that is? 

Patrick: Hmmm...it’s a dollar. I win! 

SpongeBob: That’s not just a dollar. It’s Mr. Krabs' first dollar! His most prized possession! And we got paint on it! 

Patrick: I think you are over-reacting SpongeBob, I don’t see any paint. 

SpongeBob: Ok, this isn’t a problem. Maybe I can just wipe it off. (tries to wipe the paint off with his tie but makes the paint even more noticeable) I think I got it. (wipes it more but it gets worse) 

Patrick: Oh, now I see it! 

SpongeBob: This is not good, Patrick! This is not good! Mr. Krabs is gonna be home soon, and when he sees what we did to his first dollar... (scene cuts to SpongeBob & Patrick's butt on the wall while Mr. Krabs is enjoying some tea by the fire) 

SpongeBob & Patrick: (Grabbing their butts) AAAAAHHHH!!!

Patrick: Wait, SpongeBob, all we got to do is wash the paint off and Krabs will never know! 

SpongeBob: But Mr. Krabs said... 

Patrick: (Interuppts Spongebob) Forget what Mr. Krabs said! Every paint comes off with something! (scene cuts to SpongeBob standing by a washing machine) 

SpongeBob: Did it work? (Patrick comes out from the washing machine with the dollar, still with paint on it, and bra on his head, in his hands) 

Patrick: No. (scene cuts to SpongeBob sanding the dollar with a buzzsaw in Patrick's hand) 

SpongeBob: Did it work? (Patrick’s hands are gone, leaving stumps) 

Patrick: Nope. (scene cuts to SpongeBob using a fire hose in a fire hydrant, Patrick screaming off-screen) 

SpongeBob: Did it work? (Patrick holds up the dollar that left a hole in his body from the force of the water, but place where dollar and hands were had no hole) 

Patrick: Nope. (scene cuts to SpongeBob banging on the dollar Patrick is holding, while Patrick is wearing a neck brace, in a room with a lot of violent tools) 

SpongeBob: Nothing’s working! 

Patrick: Wait, SpongeBob! we’re not cavemen! (walks over to a computer) We have technology! (picks up the computer and smashes it on the dollar while grunting like a Neanderthal. Zooms in on dollar, all wrinkled) 

SpongeBob: It didn’t work. 

Patrick: This is all Mr. Krabs’ fault! If he hadn’t have hung that stupid dollar in the first place...I mean, it’s not like it looks any different than a regular dollar. Why hang it? You could just stick any old dollar bill on the wall, no one would even know the difference! You might as well reach in my wallet, take out a dollar, and put it on the wall! 

SpongeBob: Patrick, take out your wallet. 

Patrick: (takes out a dollar) I don’t see where you’re going with this...hey, a dollar! 

SpongeBob: Our butts are saved, Patrick! Now all we have to is...Patrick, no! (Patrick puts his dollar in a vending machine) No...why’d you put it in the... (he dollar comes out) Grab it, Pat, grab it! Hurry, hurry! (Patrick pushes it back in) Aww, Pat, no, no! (dollar comes out again) Get it, Pat, get it, get it, get it! (Patrick pushes it back in again then walks up with the chocolate bar he got to SpongeBob) 

Patrick: Wanna bite? 

SpongeBob: Ok, ok, we still have time! (looks in a mirror) Don’t panic, SpongeBob. Panic is the enemy. You are strong. Through your strength, you shall overcome! (Mr. Krabs is heard humming a sea shanty outside the house) 

Mirror SpongeBob: You’re on your own pal. (walks away) 

SpongeBob: (screams) Hurry Patrick, put the dollar back on the wall! I got an idea! (Mr. Krabs enters his dark house where all the lights are off) 

Mr. Krabs: What the...? 

SpongeBob: (Sounding anxious) We’re all done, sir. Everything looks great.

Patrick: (Also sounding anxiously) Yeah, you don’t have to look around. We already did that for you. (lights turn on, with Spongebob and Patrick in front with fear and guilt-filled grins) 

Mr. Krabs: You two look like you got a dirty little secret. (Spongebob and Patrick stare) Ha! I’m kidding. Let’s see how you did. Oh, not bad boys, not bad. A nice even coat, high gloss, NO BUBBLES... 

SpongeBob: Yeah, looks great, Mr. Krabs. We’ll just be going... 

Mr. Krabs: (Shouting) Flippin' fish parcels! look what you did! (Spongebob and Patrick start to beg to Mr. Krabs) Sorry? You dusted all my knickknacks! That was really nice. (Shouting again) Great Barrier Reef!! what’s this? (both start to beg again) Oh, and I suppose the floor molding just painted itself on its own. (wall is decorated with tiny ships) That’s what I call craftsmanship. Criminy jim-jam!!!!!!!!! You messed up my dollar... (runs over to a bunch of dolls lined up perfectly, with one of them tilted slightly to the left) ...rama! All the dolls in this doll-a-rama were perfectly aligned!(straightens one of the dolls to an upright position) 

Doll: (Squeaks) Mama. 

Mr. Krabs: And you boys thought I wouldn’t notice. Oh well, I guess no harm done. All right boys, you’re free to go. (runs into a long pile of paintings) Ow!!!!! That’s funny, I don’t remember a stack of painting jutting from the wall where me first dollar used to be. In fact, I don’t remember this painting at all. (takes picture of crying clown off the wall, then showing one of racecars) Or this one. (takes it off, showing abstract art. Spongebob and Patrick trembling) Or this one. Or this one. Or this one. (Painting of banana on wall)Or this one. (takes it off, showing picture of pirate from opening sequence) Or this one. (takes it off. SpongeBob is behind the painting he just took off, rope behind his back on nail) 

SpongeBob: (nervously) Hi, Mr. Krabs. 

Mr. Krabs: SpongeBob, what are you doing? 

SpongeBob: Oh, you know, just hanging around. 

Patrick: (gives thumbs down) Booooo! 

Mr. Krabs: Get down onto the floor, boy. (SpongeBob stretches his body to the floor) All right, now you’re just being silly.
(takes SpongeBob off the wall)

Spongebob: (Shouts) No, no, no, no, Mr. Krabs! No! Don't look! It's a trick!

Mr. Krabs: Did you two get paint all over me first dollar? 

SpongeBob & Patrick: We’re sorry, Mr. Krabs! 

Mr. Krabs: And then did you draw on it with crayon?! (dollars is drawn on with green crayon, showing two dollar signs and a smiley face) 

Patrick: (Holding green crayon) I thought, you know, maybe he’d buy it? 

Mr. Krabs: (Menacingly) All right boys! You know what I’ve got to do now? 

SpongeBob: You mean our butts? 

Patrick: Can I use mine one last time? (Mr. Krabs takes the dollar and licks it. The paint comes off then Mr. Krabs puts the dollar back up on the wall) 

Mr. Krabs: There we go, good as new.

SpongeBob & Patrick: But, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but...

Mr Krabs: Yeah, I lied. This paint actually comes off with saliva! (laughs) 

SpongeBob: Oh, I get it, Mr. Krabs. You told us the paint is permanent so me and Patrick would be more careful not to get paint on anything! 

Mr. Krabs: Nah, I just like to mess with you! (laughs. SpongeBob & Patrick leave his house. Mr. Krabs spits all over the place while he is laughing) The old man’s still got it! (the paint comes off the wall from the spit) Aww, crud, I really got to learn to say it, not spray it.

{{Transcripts/Season 3}}

[[Category:Transcript]]
[[Category:Episode Transcripts/Season 3]]

{{Slogan}}

Episode Transcript: Band Geeks

2009-09-17T16:42:24Z

24.244.248.8: /* Dialogue */

[[de:Episodenmitschrift: Hör mal, wer da spielt]]
{| border="1"
|-bgcolor="#CCCCCC"
!Back Episode Transcript
!Next Episode Transcript
|-
|align="center" rowspan="3"|[[Episode Transcript: The Secret Box|The Secret Box]]
|[[Episode Transcript: Graveyard Shift|Graveyard Shift]]
|}

Episode Article: [[Band Geeks]]

==Characters==

*[[Squidward]]
*[[Squilliam Fancyson]]
*[[Patrick]]
*[[SpongeBob]]
*[[Sandy]]
*[[Mr. Krabs]]
*[[Plankton]]
*[[Mrs. Puff]]
*[[Larry the Lobster]]
*[[Pearl]]
*[[Harold]]
*[[Nancy]]
*[[Frank (Cameo Character)]]

==Dialogue==

(Squidward plays his clarinet until doorbell rings)

Doctor Gill Gilliam: Uhh, yeah, we're with the pet hospital down the street and I understand that you have a dying animal on the
premises. (Squidward shuts door. phone rings) 

Squidward: Hello. You've reached the house of unrecognized talent. Please start after the (plays a clarinet note) 

Squilliam: Sounds like you've got a dying animal to attend to, eh ol' chum? 

Squidward: (gasps) Squilliam Fancyson from band class?! 

Squilliam: I hear you're playing the cash register now. 

Squidward: Sometimes. Uh, how's the unibrow? 

Squilliam: It's big and valuable. I'm the leader of a big fancy band now, and we're supposed to play the Bubble Bowl next
week. 

Squidward: The ba-ba-ba…The ba-ba-ba…The ba-ba-ba?!?! 

Squilliam: That's right. I'm living your dreams Squidward. The problem is, I'm busy next week and can't make it. So, I
was hoping you and your band could cover for us. 

Squidward: Ohh, uhh, I…I, uhh… 

Squilliam: I knew it! You don't even have a band! Well, I'll just let you get back to the service industry now. 

Squidward: '''''HOLD IT!''''' It just '''''so''''' happens that I '''''don't''''' sell fast food, I '''''do''''' have a
band, and we're going to play that '''''Bubble Bowl!''''' How do you like '''''that,''''' Fancy'''''boy?!''''' 

Squilliam: Good luck, next Tuesday. I hope the audience brings lots of…Ibuprofen. (hangs up phone) 

Squidward: I've got to drum up a marching band fast! Drum…haha…band humor. 

Sandy: Looking to add fulfillment to your dull, dull life?

Plankton: Then become part of the greatest musical sensation to ever hit Bikini Bottom. 

Mrs. Puff: And be forever adored by thousands of people you don't know. 

Mr. Krabs: Not to mention free refreshments. 

Larry: Practice begins tonight. 8:30 sharp. (Squidward looks at his watch while driving a canoe car with instruments) 

Squidward: Stupid music rental clerk made me late. That trilobite didn't know an oboe from an elbow. Elbow, heh, more
band humor. 

All: Blah, blah, blah, bla! 

Squidward: People, people, settle down! Ok, now. How many of you have played musical instruments before? 

Plankton: Do instruments of torture count? 

Squidward: No. 

Patrick: Is mayonnaise an instrument? 

Squidward: No, Patrick, mayonnaise is not an instrument. (Patrick raises his hand again) Horse radish is not an
instrument, either. (Patrick lowers his hand) That's fine. No one has ''any'' experience. Fortunately, I have enough
talent for ''all'' of you. (laughs) 

Mr. Krabs: When do we get the free food? 

Squidward: Ok, try to repeat after me. (Squidward plays 6 notes) Brass section, go. (brass section repeats) Good. Now the
wind. (wind section repeats) And the string. (string players misunderstand what Squidward means, so they blow on their strings
which blow out and stick Squidward to the wall) Too bad that didn't kill me. (Next scene)
Let's just try stepping in rhythm. Now I want everyone to stand in straight rows of five. 

SpongeBob: Is this the part where we start kicking? 

Squidward: No, SpongeBob, that's a chorus line. 

Patrick: Kicking?! I want to do some kicking! (Patrick kicks Sandy in the butt) 

Sandy: Ow! Why, you…! (both take fight outside) 
Patrick: (shouting outside) Ahh!!!! hahaahahah!!!!!! 
Patrick: Whoever is the owner of the white sedan, you left your lights on. (Patrick walks in with his head and torso seperated by a trombone, his head in the horn, then plays a tune.)
 

Narrator: Day two. (band walking down a street playing) 

Squidward: Okay, that's perfect everybody. Bubble Bowl here we come. Flag twirlers, really spin those things. Okay, turn.
Flag twirlers, let's go. I wanna see some spinning. Flag twirlers let's move!!! C'mon, move!!! (flag twirlers spin fast and fly in thr air and
explode when running into a blimp. Trumpet player plays "Taps", then Squidward lies down on street) 

Narrator: Day three. 

Squidward: How's that harmonica solo coming, Plankton?

Plankton: It's tremendous! Ya wanna see? {runs to his harmonica and plays the first note. Runs along and plays another note. Runs down and plays three notes at the same time. He gets tired and walks slowly to another note. Has trouble playing it. Falls down and spreads saliva}

Narrator: Day four.

Squidward: Well, this is our last night together before the show. And I know that none of you improved since we began…
(Patrick chews on a trumpet) …''but'' I have a theory. People talk loud when they wanna act smart, right? 

Plankton: '''''CORRECT!!''''' 

Squidward: So, if we play loud, people might think we're good. Everybody ready? { Everybody gets their instuments ready}And a one, and a two, and a one, two,
three, four! (windows break and Squidward's face is deformed when they make a piercing noise with their instruments) Ok, new theory. Maybe we should play so quietly, no one can hear us. 

Harold: Well, maybe we wouldn't sound so ''bad'' if '''''some''''' people didn't try to play with big, meaty claws! 

Mr. Krabs: What did you say, '''''punk?!''''' 

Harold: '''''BIG''''', ''meaty'' '''''CLAWS!''''' 

Mr. Krabs: Well, these claws ain't just for attracting mates. 

Harold: Bring it on, old man! Bring it on! 

SpongeBob: No, people. Let's be smart and bring it off. 

Nancy: '''''Oh,''''' so now the talking cheese is going to preach to us. (everyone argues) 

Squidward: Wait, wait. I know tensions are high. (everyone gets into a fight) There's a deposit on the equipment, people!
(everyone uses their instruments as weapons) Settle down, please. (clock sounds at 10 and everyone stops fighting) 

Fred: Hey, class is over! (they all walk to the door where Squidward slams them open) 

Squidward: Well, you did it. You took my one chance at happiness and crushed it. Crushed it into little tiny, bite-size
pieces. I really had expected better of you people. I guess I'm a loser for that, too. Don't bother showing up tomorrow.
I'll just tell them you all died in a marching accident. So, thanks, thanks for nothing. 

Patrick: You're welcome. 

SpongeBob: What kind of monsters are we? That poor creature came to us in his hour of need, and we failed him.
Squidward's always been there for us when it was convenient for him. Evelyn, when your little Jimmy was trapped in a fire, who rescued him?

Evelyn: A firemen. 

SpongeBob: And Larry, when your heart gave out from all those tanning pills, who revived you? 

Larry: Some guy in an ambulance. 

SpongeBob: Right. So, if we can all just pretend that Squidward was a fireman, or a guy in an ambulance, then I'm sure
that we can all pull together and discover what it truly means: to be in a marching band. 

Harold: Yeah, for the firemen! 

All: Hooray! 

SpongeBob: Now let's make Squidward proud. A 1, a 2, a skiddleydiddleydoo. 

(At Bubble Bowl) 

Squidward: I ''knew'' this was going to happen. They're just going to have to find another band to play. I just hope
that… (sees Squilliam) …'''''SQUILLIAM DOESN'T FIND OUT! SQUILLIAM!! AH!''''' What are you doing here? 

Squilliam: (laughs) I just wanted to watch you blow it. So, where's your band? 

Squidward: Um, they couldn't come. They…died. 

Squilliam: Then who's that? 

Squidward: '''''AH! THAT WOULD BE MY BAND!''''' 

SpongeBob: We're ready to perform, Squidward. 

Squilliam: Well, Squiddy, this is exactly how I pictured your band with look. (SpongeBob dances) 

Squidward: That's his…eager face. (Squilliam laughs. They all go into the Bubble Bowl) 

Squidward: Well, I guess this will be the last time I can show my face in this town. 

SpongeBob: That's the spirit, Squidward. (bowl raises above a football field) 

Football Announcer: Ok, football fans. Put your hands together for the Bikini Bottom SuperBand!!!!! (crowd cheers) 

Patrick: These are some ugly looking fish. 

SpongeBob: Maybe we're in those toxic waste dumps. 

Mr. Krabs: I think I'm gonna be sick. 

Squidward: Ok, everybody. Let's get this over with. 1, 2, 3, 4.

(Music: "Sweet Victory")
(SpongeBob begins singing)

The winner takes all, it's the thrill of one more kill. The last one to fall will never sacrifice their will. Don't ever look back on the wind closing in. The only attack were their wings on the wind. Oh, the daydream begins. And it's sweet, sweet, sweet victory, yeah. And it's ours for the taking, it's ours for the fight, in the sweet, sweet, sweet victory, yeah.
And the world is ours to follow. Sweet, sweet, sweet victory.

( Squidward looks at Squilliam in an evil way causing to be scared. He passes out of a heart attack and Squidward waves good bye to him.Squidward jumps into the air, delighted that he impressed Squilliam)

{{Transcripts/Season 2}}

[[Category:Transcript]]
[[Category:Episode Transcripts/Season 2]]

{{Slogan}}

Band Geeks (Episode)

2009-09-17T16:40:59Z

24.244.248.8: /* Plot */

{| border="1" cellpadding="3" cellspacing="1" align="right" style="margin-left:1em; background:#f0f0f0;width:299px;"
!colspan="2" |<center>http://i678.photobucket.com/albums/vv149/SpongePedia/Season2%20Title%20Cards/Band_Geeks_300px.jpg</center>
|-
! colspan="2" | Band Geeks
|- bgcolor="#ffffff"
| Episode No.: || 35b
|- bgcolor="#ffffff"
| Airdate: || 7.9.2001
|- bgcolor="#ffffff"
| Season: || Season 2
|- bgcolor="#ffffff"
| Previous Episode: || [[The Secret Box]]
|- bgcolor="#ffffff"
| Next Episode: || [[Graveyard Shift]]
|- bgcolor="#ffffff"

|}

'''"Band Geeks"''' is an episode from Season 2

==Info==
===Time cards shown===
*Day Two
*Day Three
*Day Four

===Characters===
*[[Squidward]]
*[[Squilliam Fancyson]] (Debut)
*[[SpongeBob]]
*[[Patrick]]
*[[Sandy]]
*[[Mr. Krabs]]
*[[Plankton]]
*[[Larry the Lobster]]
*[[Mrs. Puff]]
*[[Pearl]]
*[[Fred]]
*[[Tom]]
*[[Harold]]
*[[Frank (cameo character)|Frank]]
*[[Miss Shell]]
*[[Peterson]]
*[[Evelyn]]
*[[Nancy]]
*[[Tina]]
*The Squid from [[Bossy Boots]] & [[Wormy]]
*Rest of band
*[[Dr. Gill Gilliam]]
*Dr. Gill Gilliam's Helpers
*[[Joe]] (in multiples)

===Places===
*[[Squidward's House]]
*[[Bubble Bowl]]
*[[Bikini Bottom Bakery]]
*[[Krusty Krab]]
*[[Bikini Bottom Rec Center]]

===Songs===
[[Sweet Victory]]

==Plot==
'''''Day One''''' 
Squidward is practicing his clarinet peacefully, and a doctor comes in, thinking Squidward has a sick animal. Squidward slams the door, but receives a call. He picks up the telephone, and it's Squilliam Fancyson from band class! He claims to suppose to play at the "Bubble Bowl", but cannot make it, and asks Squidward and his "band" to perform. Squidward, determined to play well, tries to get a band. Various people read the advertisements.

At 8:35, Squidward is driving over to the band rehearsal building, angry that the music rental clerk made him late. He comes in and plays six notes on his clarinet. The brass and woodwind repeat, however, the percussion section blow on their drumsticks and they hit Squidward. Later, Squidward tells everyone to stand in straight rows of 5, and Spongebob asks if this is the part where they start kicking (a chorus line) and then Patrick responds by kicking Sandy, who then responds by beating up Patrick and replacing his neck with a trombone.

'''''Day Two''''' 
Squidward's band is out marching on day two. Squidward orders the band almost perfectly, until he instructs the flag twirlers to "spin those flags". They spin the flags so quickly that they fly up like propellers into a blimp, causing their death. One of the trumpeters played "Taps", the rest of the band put their hands on their hearts, and Squidward curls up on the ground.

'''''Day Three''''' 
Squidward asks to see Plankton's harmonica solo, but it doesn't work very well because Plankton is extremely tired half way!

'''''Day Four''''' 
Squidward instructs the band to play as loudly as they can, but the great force of the sound waves blow Squidward's physical features back. He then instructs them to play softly, but a huge fight breaks out. Eventually, band class is over. Squidward appears at the doors as the players leave, telling them not to come to the Bubble Bowl. SpongeBob, horrified at how the band members crushed Squidward's dream, takes over conducting the band.

'''''Concert''''' 
Squidward finds Squilliam Fancyson at the concert, which is in the [[Bubble Bowl]] in the center of a human football oval, who apparently only came to see Squidward flop, like always. However, the band plays [[Sweet Victory]] with lead singer SpongeBob ([[Guest Stars|David Glen Eisley]]) and turns out to be a great success! Squilliam suffers a heart attack and is carried away. Squidward is shown jumping up in happiness, and the screen fades to end the episode.

==Trivia/Goofs==
*The song used in this episode, ''Sweet Victory'', was performed by [[Guest Stars |David Glen Eisley]] of the 1980s heavy metal band, Giuffria.
*When everyone in the room is saying "blah, blah, blah," SpongeBob and Patrick are sitting next to each other. However, when Patrick asks if mayonnaise is an instrument, he is sitting next to Sandy. The only way this is possible is if SpongeBob was next to Patrick on his other side, but when Mr. Krabs asks when they get the free food, Sandy is on one side of the room (viewers' left) in the front row and SpongeBob is on the other side (viewers' right) in the center row.
* The song that [[Squidward Tentacles|Squidward]]'s band wanted to play was Love Rollercoaster by the Ohio Players.
* Throughout the scenes of the rehearsals, people have been playing different instruments. For example, SpongeBob (on the first day) played the drums. Then (on day four) he played the trumpet. Also, Mr. Krabs and Mrs. Puff on the first day played the concertina (Krabs) and the clarinet (Puff). On the fourth day, they both played the cymbals.
* When Squidward asks the brass section to repeat after him, Pearl Krabs is seen with a saxophone. However, a saxophone is a woodwind and should have been placed within the wind section.
* Everyone thinks that they should do something for Squidward, but Squidward never did anything for them nice or very kind.
*At the beginning, Squilliam says his band won't be playing because he couldn't make it to the performance, which paved the way for the entire episode. However, Squilliam actually does show up to see Squidward's band play. It may be he was lying about him not being able to play and just did it to see Squidward make a fool of himself.
* How can Sandy play the saxphone if she has her air helmet on in the rehearsal?
* The Bubble Bowl is probably a parody of the Super Bowl.
* This is the second episode where Harold has an Australian accent. The first was [[Squirrel Jokes]].
* When Spongebob started singing ''Sweet Victory'' it was marked the best moment in Nicktoons history.
* This is the first time Patrick says "You're welcome." to a sarcastic thank you. The second time was in [[New Student Starfish]].
* In day 2 when they play the band in the background you can see Pearl's head Extremley big.
*This is the first apperance of Squilliam.
*When Squidward clenched his teeth in the explosion, the were the same colour as his skin and no cracks
*Spongebob singing Sweet Victory was remixed by various of fans after its release
*Squilliam is also voiced by Rodger Bumpass who is the voice of Squidward. As if he's talking to himself.
*Mrs. Puff and Mr. Krabs never met before when Puff hits Krabs with her symbols. They will date in [[Krusty Love]].
*This is David Archuleta's favorite episode in [[The Ultimate SpongeBob Sponge Bash]].

==Transcript==
[[Episode Transcript: Band Geeks]]

{{Season2}}

{{Slogan}}

[[Category:Episode]]
[[Category:Season 2]]